While I haven't written in this blog in a long time, this year I did start a new hiking documentation venture: I've been making hiking vlogs and uploading them to YouTube.
I didn't know hiking vlogs were even really a thing until a year or two ago. My two backpacking stints on the PCT were some of the coolest, hardest, and scariest things I've ever done. The scary part increasingly seems to win over my senses as I get older. What if I trip and fall down one of those steep slopes and die, leaving everyone who loves me in pain, just because of this stupid thing that I chose to do "for fun"? I expressed this sentiment to my wife last summer. And then I watched a bunch of hiking videos on YouTube after a friend sent me a link to one of the most popular ones, Homemade Wanderlust (thanks, Jenn!). And I was like YES FUN PRETTY I WANT TO DO THIS AGAIN!
It's entirely possible the desire to hike is part of my being now after 10+ years of doing it pretty consistently, and I would have wanted to hike and backpack again eventually on my own....but yeah, YouTube probably helped.
I have a few complaints about the HikerTube world, though. (One is that HikerTube sounds really embarrassing but I don't know what else to call it?) Mainly, everyone on it is a flawless super skinny lady or a super bro-y dude. So...basically, it mirrors a lot of what you see in the outdoors. I still enjoy these videos, and don't think the people who make them are bad people because they're skinny or because they're bros. There are a lot of kind bros. (Although there are some issues.) But I've also been really inspired over the last year by groups like Unlikely Hikers and Fat Girls Hiking. And while I've seen more of that diversity in other hiking social media platforms, I haven't really found it on YouTube.
A lot of popular hiking vlogs are also by thru-hikers of the big three trails (AT, PCT, and CDT), and I LOVE watching them. But an experienced thru-hiker is not a typical hiker. So when they are doing 20+ mile days, you start to feel like you must be a weakling when a 5 mile day hike leaves you totally exhausted. Pro tip: You are not a weakling if a 5 mile (or less!) day hike leaves you totally exhausted. You are still a badass.
So I decided to try making my own videos. It was a bold experiment because it's not something I would normally do. I am much more comfortable expressing myself in the written word than in a freaking VIDEO. I hate my voice most of the time. And even as I started really enjoying making these videos, I still cringe when I actually watch them. They are...exceedingly embarrassing. They are also super amateur when it comes to video making skills. It's just my iPhone and my shaky hands, and some often-cheesy free music clips because I wanted to do that part legally.
There are some big pluses to making these videos though. The main thing is that it does help me document and remember these trips in a way that just some photos doesn't. The second biggest thing, though, is that trying to express myself audibly, through just speaking words out loud, is a goddamn SKILL, and one I am honestly not very good at! And one that as a teacher, I need to improve on. Some teachers are natural public speakers. I...am not one of them. Aside from just the nerves you get speaking to a group of people, I am still not as good at expressing my ideas out loud as I am in my head. It's like there's a link between your brain and your mouth and when I'm on the spot sometimes, that link disappears. Even on a regular day when I'm just talking to people I love, that link could use some strengthening. And when I make and listen to these videos, I hear that, as well as how many times I say "um" and "so" and the like. I think I get naturally better each year at using my words when I'm trying to explain things to students at my job, but I think these videos can help, too.
It is also both vulnerable and comforting to talk out loud when you're in the middle of the woods by yourself. You can feel super dorky doing it, which is why I'm still not able to do it whenever there are other hikers around, but it also makes you feel less alone. And sometimes the woods can get lonely.
I haven't told many people about these embarrassing videos, but as I get more into hiking again this summer, I also want to be less self-conscious: about my voice, my body in the wilderness. And I want to get back to writing more about hiking, too. So I'll keep talking to myself in the middle of the woods, and I'll try to open up this blog every now and then. And hopefully, my feet will get me where they need to go, and I can keep doing this nature therapy safely and happily for as long as my body lets me.
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